GRAMPS
I HAD A BAD DREAM. one that consisted of me dragging my body to a house where my project was taking place. there was tenny, joanne and some other girl (probably jenny). i was so tired, my legs were aching and i was literally trying to walk with my knees. i got there in a few hours' time, where the girls were waiting.
i wonder why they didn't help me, perhaps they didn't want to pity me. oh well, when the grandpa opened the door for me, he didn't lock it and when i was about to lock it; an indian guy stood and looked at me and the door. i thought he was going to say this is the wrong door or no one's supposed to live here. i was like "GO AWAY" then he was like "fine, today's thanksgiving and i dont need YOUR money."
after hearing that, of course i was guilty. he said "one dollar's fine". first i dug around and felt a 50 cent coin, then i dug for another one. i think there was two 50 cent coins and one 1 dollar coin in my pocket but i wasn't sure if he was from a trustworthy organization. cause he was talking to a boy and another indian man with a turban joined him. ...
afraid that the grandpa was not supposed to live here, i explored the place. there was a lady's portrait and her kids' room. supposedly a family's house. so i went to ask him where were all this people? they left. why? cause i'm suffering from cancer DAMNIT, final stages! that's when i started weeping, sniffing so hard. when i woke up, i realized i was tearing and sniffing so hard i thought i needed a hug.
FINALLY WE ARE NO ONE
after working just two
days nights this past week, the insomnia syndromes strike again! i had managed to catch a proper night's worth of sleep the other day but seems to me if i were to do this long term, my body will soon alter and i'll become permanently grumpy. you wouldn't want that, would you? my cynic symptoms seem to have accelerated due to this very reason as well and i'm ignoring certain males. i feel a slight tad bad but i cant really be bothered, AHA HA HA.
the family gathering was... alright. i didn't even look to the sky once for the moon, some moon-viewing festival, sheesh. new puppies in the house; THEY ARE SO ADORABLE I FEEL LIKE GLOMPING ONE! an update on the cousins; Joanne's selling shoes in her school and from what she says, she earns quite a bit from it too. NOT BAD. i'm inspired and i guess i'll sell white tshirts. MUAHAHAHA
stall:
WHITE TEEs and JEANS please
COTTONBUNS
COTTON
COTTONBUDs
doggie names: COTTON, SOCKS, SNUGGLES, NARUTO
OLIVIA LUFKIN
what is it to seek perfection, the song in my head (well, on the playlist) hits notes that pulls my heart. it's about to cause my head to explode and i cant seem to stop listening to it. makes me wonder whether singers think they've hit the perfect note before they release their songs. makes me want to hide in a corner and tuck myself tight.
it's night and i'm bored to tears. it's good weather too, breezy. poetry seems to have stop short lately, i've no idea what to write. no inspirations whatsoever, if one day does come when my creativity runs out and imagination gone senile i wonder what am i going to live on; most probably on past mistakes and what ifs.
so graduation is near, and the big question is: where are you heading to? what does my future hold (in stall for me), am i going to survive? in truth i have no idea, i have so many dreams unfulfilled, so many i want to try out; i believe some of you out there are the same. afterall, it's the process that counts right? often scripts that relate to people are not popular in singapore, it's either the bad acting or "coincidental" solutions and resolutions. if i were to write a script relating problems of soon-to-be graduates, i wonder how the population will see it. most probably in a oh-what-the-hell manner. zzz
so many possibilities
1) and in her, he sees so many things he wants to be
2) and it seemed like time had stopped for her
3) so many possibilities, so many adventures just from one look of her eyes
inspired by
polina seminova; music
I AM 19
RESPECT ME! MUAHAHAHA.
hearts bleed and monsters feed
my heart is bleeding, i'm pretty sure of it. i dont want to make any more friends, a rotten heart is as good as for nothing.
breed
plead
greed
feed
GOOD MORNING WORLD
it's one and a half hours since i disconnected to slumber and here i am again, amazing isn't it? I EVEN HAVE TO RESOLVE SLEEPING TOPLESS, still it's not working. i think i will have to need my own room soon.
perhaps school will solve my insomnia. HMMM
OH DEAR!
i'm still at THE work place and am supposed to start on the other job but the slot before me has not finished. my eyes are dry, i'm afraid i've caught an eye disease or so.
as i was talking to skye about having a picture blog, after sampling some blogs out there, i do realise there are a lot of pretty girls out there and i am of no competition. yet, i suspect being plain and simple is what is going to get me FAMOUSSSSS. watch out, i'm your latest SINGAPORE KIM SAM SOON. MUAHAHAHA.
and so
it goes on to the topic that i think i'm not going to marry but it's certainly "TO BE CONTINUED" cause i'm just to dron on and on and on and it already seems tiresome to read rants.
distract me, so i say
or yea, and i need a hobby too. photography seems overrated but i need to get ideas off my head and they come in visuals/visually. a sport of some sort or so, i think my arms are aching from that 10 girl-style push-ups i did an hour or so ago. damn HAHA
being cynical and self-indulging
and my children shall be named sophie and jillian. maybe molly j or holly. what bout a naruto for a boy? HAHAHA.
i need to stop making new posts after one another cause sooner or later, i'll have 300 posts in a blink of an eye and i can't view past them unless i post them all on the blog and have an archive. last but not least, i'll have to create another blog just to hold all my thoughts and believe me, i think up of nonsense even before i sleep and realize i wont remember them in the morning so i just have to leave them somewhere so that i can use them again. like toilet paper or something. word vomit, or so i would like to call them poetry, prose, phrase, creative ideas and plot triggers for potential scripts. i believe myself to carry through all obstacles, in the process, awkward or not and consider myself quite imaginative. i'm a talent for facial expressions, on screen and off, hire me someone and give me money. sheesh, damn straight(forward) am i?
now now, appreciate me before i get tired of all of you. you can claim you like my writing but where are my tags on the board and comments. but it would also be weird if you suddenly all donned attention on me like i'm the best thing that ever happened to you. (because i'm not) i'm being all contradictory and i wonder why i think of you sometimes. then when the tags do come, i revolt them. i think my writing's individual and i started it on my own. at least you can relate to them, i guess (it's okay if i see it from that point of view).
it must be the late hour that has taken its cynical effect on me. i believe it's all built up in this i-like-this-body-but-it-seems-too-womanly-for-me vessel of mine. or should i just say it does not go with my personality, the way i dress or something? i can flaunt, in fact i do sometimes, just to use it to my advantage or its full potential. just so i can be the bimbo i'm supposed to be, act blur and get away with trouble. but oh heck, my belly's still round and i cant be bothered to initiate a diet due to many many excuses my brain has made up and i just love my food. stuffing myself to the point of no return. did i tell you my face is fat too? i really ought to slim it down so that my features will show. some nice angular features instead of a double chin and fatty eyelids. my forehead's too short i suppose, no, i'm just saying for the sake of saying. AHAHAHA, well whatever.
(and when i say i started it on my own, i really do mean: i just write like that. anything that comes to my head, i write it. i rethink, reread, delete, find suitable words and bam, i press the button.) soooo i do like to think of myself as an individual and no other can interpret or comprehend but i would like to know myself as normal cause the flesh hurts when i'm just considered out of the gang or so on. you get the point. indulge me then.
if you still dont understand, it doesn't matter. cause what i really need is a chobit, skye (dont know if i'm just saying it but still;) and a good bolster. on second thought, if you didn't understand, it doesn't matter cause i'm just sprouting whatever that comes into mind first.
now to think of it, i feel like a child (when i'm talking) to skye. what i want to know, she gives. new words; vocabulary she's my dictionary. knowledge, anything interesting, paste and copy.
so if i change, so what if i do change, i wonder what will become of me, what people will think of it and how much are they going to take it in. i'll reread this post tomorrow and see if i've gone mad overnight. perhaps right now, what i need is sleep.
*
re-post
the say-it-till-you-believe-it theory which i have come to believe. be it that i mindlessly say i'm bi or les or the many hearts, they all connect in some way. oh shut up head and my arms are aching. i hope my ulcers heal soon and for me to stop accidentally biting the underneaths of my lips to cause them. bleh
night shifts cause malfunctioned bodies
i'm feeling awkward, all over my body. seems like stickers plastered all over and i'm some sort of mannequin. i do realize i've been awkward my whole life, conversations in and out, cliques here and there, neither here nor there, nowhere, jumping from one point to another. in fact i'm just an awkward girl, i can't pinpoint what is wrong or whether it's a phrase i've yet outgrown. i can imagine magazine interviews titled "Just another awkward girl" and quotes highlighted would be "i'm just working for the money". isn't it my true intentions, isn't it normal for me to work for the money? i do want attention but i also need to find something suitable to work. maybe something to achieve but it all boils down to the money. i can even imagine myself swaying my hips to music, dancing in bars just for the money. but no, i've not done it. blah, all words, no actions. i feel robotic towards most people these days. all just for the sake of entertaining. and no, it would be rude not to reply, no, it would not be Joyce if she doesn't comply, she's just too nice. what has Joyce become of anyway? blah blah blah, whoever said first impressions are the most important, you're right. it's true, you have to stick it to the end or else, you're a hypocrite. am i right, my audience? deep down so you know, i'm (insert demoralizing adjective) to some people. i'm only human.
and great, my body clock has malfunctioned and i cant get to sleep, at least not yet. i'm all pent up and i can (only) think of how would it be like living in IKEA, working as an employee in IKEA who secretly lives on their beds. that's a script i want to write, but i'm lazy and the media industry here seems cut throat and political. afterall my industrial attachment results sums up to a grand C+, i might not even make it here. (yea yea whatever)
and i need a boy toy or some chobit to comply to my personality. just so i wont hurt any more people but myself. the chore of 'accidental' misleading and then rejecting is quite hard to take upon. i think i'll just announce i'm bi or les or something revolting (to everyone) to get myself out of such problems. in fact, my subtle crush on skye is so subtle no one believes me. AHAHAHA.
in the corners of the house
the point where the shadow crooks round the corner
where light cannot fall any further
the picture frame stands still
little miss red
and her whispers